For those of you that haven't heard the news, I am a new aunt! My sister gave birth to little Enoch last Friday, December 3rd, at 2:22am PST. Guess what, unto us, a child is born.I seriously cannot express the extent of my excitement over this little squishy bundle of joy. I am going to spoil the hell out of this kid. The first gift I am giving to little Enoch is an illustrated set of life lessons.
Lesson #1: Always be careful of waves.
If you are on a rock and a giant wave breaks on it, it does not look like this:It looks more like this:If you do get owned by a wave, you will have to walk around in your wet Mickey Mouse sweatshirt all day and be coughing up sand for the next week. This lesson brought to you by 4 year-old Lauren.
Lesson #2: Cats are sharp.
I seem to learn this lesson every year, thinking "Oh, this cat won't be so bad! Maybe he'll even like me! That's totally why he crawled on my chest and is putting his butthole right next to my face!" No. The cat is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.Learn this lesson once and once only: cats are assholes. They will let you pet them, but they will demand a blood sacrifice from your face (for more reference, click here).
Lesson #3: Get out of the car feet first, not head first.
Knowing every person in my family ever, you are going to be extremely brilliant only to be marred by your extreme stubbornness. I'm just going to tell you right now, your parents will need to help you with things for the rest of your life, and you're just going to suck it up and let your mom and dad help you out.
I first learned this lesson when I was 2. This is actually my first memory. We had an old 1988 Toyota Land Cruiser, and it was awesome. The car is about 2 ft. off the ground, and, well, for a 2 year old, that's a long way to fall.And that's how I got my first visit to the ER.
Lesson #4: Be careful who you hit.
When you finally learn how to stop jumping out of cars and how to drive them, be sure to be careful on the roads. But, if you have to hit somebody with your car, make sure it's not one of your classmates, otherwise, high school is going to be hell for you.Lesson #5: High school sucks.