Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Two Greatest Fears

So, I haven't updated in a while. Here are my excuses in order of how legit they are:

1. I was at my parent's house for Thanksgiving and they don't have MS paint on their computers, so I can't do pictures. Let's face it, no one reads this blog for the writing, they read it for the pictures.

2. Work is somewhat busy again. I had to manage the grade sheets, and managing grade sheets at a school like this one is kind of like being the body guard of not necessarily the president, but at least Nancy Pelosi. My desk kind of looks like this:I guess some student a few years ago decided to steal a grade sheet and fill in their own grade, so the sheets are closely guarded. I would love to meet the idiot that stole the math sheets and thought "Oh yeah! I'm totally going to get away with this!" I thought math majors were supposed to be smart.

Anyway, on with the entry!When I was little, I wasn't afraid of much, but there were two really stupid things that scared me:

1. There was this terrifying commercial about skin cancer when I was a kid. It featured a woman in a tanning bed in a bikini with goggles on. First of all, I hate the way tanning goggles look. They look weird. Anyway, then the woman would slowly turn into a turkey, who was also wearing the goggles and bikini. It was terrifying, and I remember crying and burying my face in my mom's shoulder when it came on TV.2. The buzzing noise from the game "Operation". I don't know why, but this noise would terrify me. Unfortunately, I didn't know the sound was so scary until I owned the game. Let me tell you how the game "Operation" came into my possession.

I think everyone has a really dumb year. I started my 4th year by eating dog vomit which kind of set the mood for the rest of the year. I've had a lot of dumb years, but my 4th year takes the cake.

The majority of my childhood was spent in the craft room with my mom. She would make us clothes and sew quilts and knit stockings a do bead-work because she's a badass. While she was crafting, Kelly and I got the scraps of fabric and Pearler beads to play with. Pearler beads look like this:And you use them to make things that look like this:The only problem with giving 4 year-olds Pearler beads is that they will try to stick them in their mouths or noses as soon as your back is turned. Don't believe the "Ages 3 and Up!" sticker. Your 4 year-old is just as stupid as a 2 year-old.Thankfully, my dad was on call at the hospital. I had lodged the bead so far into my nasal cavity that she had to drive me in to get my dad to grab some really long tweezers and get the bead. Mom had our neighbor watch Kelly while she drove my dumb ass to the hospital.

I already had one parent really mad at me, so I sat really still and was good for my dad while he shoved the jaws of life up my nose.After that, my mom took me to the store to get a present for sitting so still. I don't know why I got a present. I should shove things up my nose more often I guess.Mom bought me Operation, and there was still time to play a game before she put Kelly and I to bed. We started playing it when disaster struck:I ran behind a chair and started crying. It didn't hurt, and it wasn't that loud, but it scared the hell out of me. Mom thought maybe it shocked me, but then she figured out I was just being a psycho.

It's kind of funny because my family never liked cats because they're stupid and scared of random stuff. Who knew that having a second child would be like owning a psychotic feline.

After that day, my mom kept the Pearler beads away from me and made sure that I was out of the room when she and Kelly played Operation. Kelly was not so nice. She would sneak up behind the couch when I was watching TV and make the buzzing noise. What a jerk.

I found out later the reason my mom wasn't that mad about the whole bead thing was because when she was little she shoved a Hi-Ho Cherry-O up her nose when she was little and got it stuck. Then in college, she shoved a popcorn kernel up her nose and got it stuck. Apparently I'm genetically predisposed to getting crap stuck in my nose.




  2. OK, Since this involves me I must correct a fact here: I did not stick the Hi-Ho Cherry_O up my nose as a child (5 yrs. old, I was a slow learner), I swallowed that while I was jumping on my bed (a big No-No that I would not have gotten caught at if I hadn't had the cherry-O in my mouth at the same time). I earned an X-ray for that, which I'm sure my parents couldn't afford. The Hi-Ho Cherry-O game was confiscated at that time. No treat for me for sitting still... I did stick the unpopped popcorn kernal up my nose, I didn't mean to, but I'm sure Champagne was involved, a lot of laughing, and perhaps inhaling at the wrong time. I'm usually a mouth breather too... Yes I was in college, and that is a great excuse for stupidity. It took a long time to blow that sucker out, I was afraid I'd end up in the ER with a swollen kernal up my nose and a call in to my parents... Luckily it came out before that...

  3. Oh my goodness LAUREN BOUBEL! I love your adorable blog and am so excited to read/view more. I think you missed your calling in life-- instead of a Mathematician, you could have been a professional Clip Artist. I would totally use your images for PowerPoint presentations.